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Happy New Year, Marque “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson


by David Hume III


And now, for something completely different...


It’s not every day that the Lieutenant Governor of North Carolina, Marque “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson, is honored with a nighttime parade of torch-bearing political eunuchs, dressed in their best excrement-colored brown shirts. They wear Chinese-made red MAGA caps and chant in unison, “The Jews will not replace us.”


Marque “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson was the man of the hour in MAGA circles. His name was murmured by those involved in nightly nude prayer sessions by the cesspool at Mar-A-Lago. It was here in Palm Beach that the great Tyrannous T-RUMP resided. Robinson “the sycophant” served under the great Orange One when he joined the Glorious Salvation Army Reserves and became a T-RUMP Ranger.


“Moose-O-Lini” Robinson was awarded the coveted “Iron on Cross” with bronze Groveler and Toady devices. Some say you could place Robinson’s empathy, ethics and mental acuity in a flea’s navel and still have room for seven caraway seeds! Others say “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson attacks the media as Nattering Nabobs of Negativism—sort of a David Pecker wannabe.


Robinson, aka The Marquis de Sad, a former condom factory worker, became a member of the Mystic Knights of the MAGAmite Sea Lodge but saw his dreams of a political career disappearing faster than a Hershey T. Walker sprint toward the endzone. But all was not lost. Enter his “White Knight on a Silver Steed,” former President Tyrannous T-RUMP, aka SCROTUS (So-Called Ruler of the United States).


T-RUMP scooped up the failing Moose-O-Lini Robinson in his arms and after a lifesaving “kiss of life,” rode off to Raleigh where Robinson would become number 2…that is, the Number 2 politician in his state. “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson took pleasure in emulating T-RUMP’s quick wit and caustic commentary.


SCROTUS groomed “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson to become a replacement “mini-Me” for Senator Linseed Lipgloss who’d fallen out of favor. Moose-O-Lini Robinson remained a loyal and vocal supporter of SCROTUS, eventually becoming the opening act of T-RUMP’s “Pants-On-Fire” political rallies.


Marque “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson loves promoting white ultranationalism as a central component of his ideal government, establishing a cult of personality around T-RUMP and his Toadies. Marque champions divisive anti-LGBTQ and misogynistic statements, and he enjoys watching videos of school shootings and gruesome traffic accidents.

Robinson introduced his alter-ego, a brash ill-educated conservative culture warrior who wears an assortment of White Power T-shirts, hoods, and togas with a red MAGAmite codpiece decorated with the overarching phrase; Voglio essere bianco. He’s a charter member of the “Triple F” club – Full Flung Fascism.


One of “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson’s constant rants is his demand to remove science and social studies from first through fifth-grade curriculum, substituting MAGA World History with funding from the federal government to build a life-size Noah’s Ark, where “children can learn that dinosaurs were passengers on the ark.”


Marque “Moose-O-Lini” Robinson wants to abolish the State Board of Education, supplanting it with Christian charter schools and school voucher programs (payable to the “Moose-O-Lini Robinson Christian Trust Fund”). He was instrumental in having a pilot program added to the curriculum at his old high school in Satanic Springs with the addition of Charlie Kushner’s Sex Education tapes and the George Santos Eerie Ethics for Families Workbook.


Robinson, like his soul father, SCROTUS, does not apologize for his posts, saying, “I’m not ashamed of anything that I post.” These posts include mocking the teenage survivors of the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, repeatedly disparaging them as “spoiled, angry, know it all CHILDREN…spoiled little bastards and media prosti-tots.” His new books, ‘Empathy is my Enemy’ and ‘BUNDA made me what I am,” will be available for 2024.


The good people of North Carolina must ensure such a creature never sits behind the desk of power in any future government office of this state or country. Cast your vote to toss this MAGAmite misogynist out of North Carolina politics!


Editor’s note: David Hume III received his BA and JD from the University of Baltimore. He served as Assistant Attorney General, State of Delaware and an Intelligence Officer, U.S. Coast Guard. A published author and satiric writer, he won the Cape Fear Voices 2022 Non-Fiction History Writer’s Award.


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