top of page

And now for something completely different... Episode 4: T. Rump's toasted tush

by David Hume III

“The cunning of the fox is as murderous as the violence of the wolf; and we ought to guard equally against both.” Anonymous

“Some say” he was the product of a failed teleportation experiment at T. Rump University’s School of Alternative Sciences. The DNA of one of the dull-normal study subjects, Bigly Bollocks, was combined with the preserved DNA of a young Adolf Schicklegruber. The terrifying result would be known as Tartuffe T. Rump, aka SCROTUS (So-Called Ruler of the United States).

SCROTUS’ loyal manservant and spokesperson, Ming the Merciless, got sa-tis-fac-shun by attacking the media. “It’s mere coincidence that T. Rump uses the phrase ‘Blut und Boden’ before each rally.” 

Ming, also known as “Genghis Con,” explained: “Democrats hired undocumented immigrants to poison the blood of our country. Just look at Brutus Jones if you need a sad example of what poisoned blood can do to the brain.”

Hitler repeatedly described Jews and migrants as “poisons” to the “blood” of Germany and the Aryan race. However, the neo-Nazi terminology arose in a higher-profile setting. Tartuffe’s hate speech was unshackled during a Veterans Day speech in 2023, when SCROTUS told a crowd in Claremont, New Hampshire that his political enemies are “like vermin.” Both Hitler and Italy’s Benito Mussolini compared their enemies to vermin during their rise to power in the 1920s and 1930s.

SCROTUS took their pronouncements two notches higher on the scale of obscenity and outrage. “Today,” he said, “especially, in honor of our great loser veterans on Veterans Day, we pledge to you that we will root out the communists, Marxists, fascists, and the radical-left thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our country — that lie and steal and cheat on elections and will do anything, whether bigly legal or yugely illegal, to destroy Amerika and to destroy MAGA’s Amerikan Dream.”

“Some say” Ming the Merciless, aka Odd Job, is often mistaken for one of 007’s villains, Oddjob. He was quoted in a statement in The Washington Post that anyone comparing SCROTUS to Hitler or Mussolini “shall have their entire existence crushed when SCROTUS returns to the White House.”

WOW! Does that mean Tartuffe’s critics will be flattened, crushed, and compressed from several directions into a cube? As Benito was wont to say, “Il fascismo è per i vincitori. Facciamo le regole per i perdenti.” (“Fascism is for winners. We make the rules for the losers.”)

Ming the Merciless, aka Genghis Con, who was said to have originated the xenophobic attack phrase, “China Virus,” was out to prove his intellectual superiority. What better way to deflect a story about your candidate praising genocidal dictators in his speeches, than to proclaim that all Democrats and anyone who calls Tartuffe T. Rump out for this language is possessed by the T. Rump Derangement Syndrome and will be “exterminated when he takes power.”

Now that’s something to look forward to — like a modern-day variation of Christians versus lions in the Roman Colosseum.

Tartuffe’s words to his MAGA supporters, “I am your justice. … I am your retribution,” are not spoken in hopes of unifying the nation. This is not hyperbole. Do not mistake the arsonist’s intent as he clutches the bottle of gasoline while igniting its wick. Tartuffe echoed Joseph Goebbels’ words, “We do not come as friends, nor even as neutrals. We come as enemies. As the wolf bursts into the flock, so we come.”

As Socrates, Plato and Aristotle knew, demagogues have posed a danger to democracies throughout history. Tyrannical cunning, or wolf’s salesmanship, is a talent used to seduce and break people’s spirit by sowing division and subverting the rule of law. When democracies die, there is no soft landing.

Will Tartuffe T. Rump’s lust, deceit, hypocrisy, and vices lead to his downfall or re-election? Don’t leave the outcome to chance. Vote Democratic!


bottom of page